Deadline #19, Cause and Effect Essay

King of the Ping

Becoming a ping-pong champion may lead to a greater attraction from the opposite sex by the resultant increase in popularity, riches untold, and incredible stamina. The ping-pong player is the ultimate athlete. In this instance, however, ultimate is synonymous with the words coolest, most fit, and just plain sexiest. The ping-pong player: adored by all women, and envied by all men. Becoming a ping-pong champion is a dream not all are capable of dreaming, and even fewer people are capable of reaching that dream.
Think back to high school for a moment. Who was the coolest, the hippest, the grooviest dude in school? Who was the life of all the weekend parties? Who always said all the right things at the right times to all the most beautiful babes? Not the quarterback who could throw a football half a mile. Not the basketball player who could drain that buzzer beater from half court. Not the third baseman who could smack a baseball 420 feet over the center-field fence. No, none of these goofy wannabes could top the president of the Ping-Pong Club, who could spike a lightning-quick ping-pong ball at upwards of 30 miles per hour. The ping-pong champion always had the funniest jokes to tell, and the most gripping stories of near defeat to the Chinese man down the street. Everyone wanted to be the ping-pong champion, but no one wanted to face the humility of defeat after coming to the realization that they didn’t have what it took to become a ping-pong master.
Most children want to grow up to be firefighters, astronauts, or doctors because they want to do something “cool” and make lots of money doing it. It doesn’t take long for them to realize, however, that if they want to do something outrageously exciting with their life and make tons of money doing it, ping-pong is the profession to pursue. Even at a young age, an aspiring ping-pong star can make some quick money by hustling would-be ping-pongers on the streets. And later on down their ping-pong career, hundreds of thousands of dollars can be won in a single ping-pong tournament, and hundreds of thousands more can be made in endorsements. How many doctors are known to have endorsement deals with Nike?
With the quickness of a fox and the endurance of a gazelle, ping-pong players are the most in-shape athletes of them all. In order to be able to hold out in a down-to-the-wire match, a ping-pong champion must follow a very strict workout plan and diet. After starting out the day with a dozen egg whites and a single piece of toast on wheat bread, the athlete then runs half a marathon followed by a very rigorous mile swim using only the butterfly stroke. In order to stay at the top of the game, a ping-pong player has to keep in top physical shape. For lunch they have to eat three heads of lettuce and nothing else. After devouring their delicious lunch, and in order to build up powerful muscles used for that crushing forehand, they have to split logs with an axe for two hours without stopping. Later on, after inhaling their dinner of spinach, three Granny Smith apples and a 20 oz. steak cooked medium rare, they spend an hour continuing their hole being dug to China. This everyday diet and workout regimen will put the ping-pong player in the kind of shape any guy would die for, and any woman would kill for.
Becoming a ping-pong champion would be a dream come true for many seeking fame, fortune, and a hot body. After getting into supreme shape, gaining riches from winning a handful of tournaments, and becoming the coolest cat on the block, the ladies are sure to come running.